I suppose I should've put this here a while ago, instead of putting my thoughts onto LANCENET proper.... It kind of bit me on the ass with the Kitty thing. I guess I didn't think anyone would ever see it, and I guess in the back of my mind I believed a little bit that.....

-

that I would fail. That I wouldn't actually be able to bring them back and that I would trudge through the mud until I died or someone stopped me.

Oh right, I should probably say what I am doing. I guess since I have some time to myself, I just needed a moment to think about things. I learned my lesson last time, I'll try to keep my thoughts to myself here instead of on the main page.

It's too bad everything we do on our phones is still connected to LANCENET but at least I know the servers are private. For the most part.

But.... yeah. I just need a place to put my thoughts down while they go up there and talk to The Research Court. I guess.

They've been up there a while, I know they're safe for now but, I didn't think they would stay up there as long as they have. It worries me they will start to like it up there.

-

I mean, I guess it's nicer up there than it is down here, but, I am down here.....

I worked so hard to get them back, and -

.

I guess I'm just worried that they will leave me behind. I don't care that I worked hard to get them back, I just want to be with them. They're the only family I have left.

Andrew is gone. My baby boy, Micheal, he's gone too....

All of my family is long, long dead. North Fioria is long gone.

I don't want them to know, I can't let them know. It would be too much for Maya, for Olivia, for poor Kitty.

I..... I can't believe what I am hearing.

I'm listening to them talk to that "Overseer" and -

and

.

.

I'm not a bad person. I wouldn't hurt them. I couldn't.

Maya.....

I left Nineline and his team behind. I couldn't sit there and listen to them any longer. I told them I had a new mission directive or something I don't know. I just-

Why aren't I good enough?

Have I not proven myself loving? Caring? Trusting? Are these not motherly traits? I need some time away from them.

I need to get away from it all.

.

I need to get away from it all.

It looks like the outside was transformed into that place we saw in the Dust Bowl. It's some golden city. It's beautiful, but it doesn't make me feel any better inside.

I'm pretty sure I saw the other team members get launched from the city and crash into the outskirts. As much as I hate seeing them get hurt, after all they said it felt a little justified.

I should go talk to Tibby.

.

I don't know what else to do.

I miss you Andrew, you would've known what to do.

I talked to Tibby. She reminds me so much of Andrew. Steadfast, headstrong, and maybe a little bit too courageous for their own good.

We talked about what's going on, and we both talked about Andrew. She got to pick up where my story ended, which was nice.

She let me inside her head for a bit, I saw.... some things.

When this is all over, I hope her and I can talk some more. Maybe give her another hug. She really needs it.

.

So do I.....

I can't sleep. I can hear Ethan's cries from all the way down here.

I think I can hear Lane too.

Well, if I can't sleep I might as well do something about it.

I did the same thing for Lane as I did for Starline. I didn't mean to, but, I just did the motions of it and it happened. This time was different though.

Usually when I reach out, it's kind of like wading through water and grabbing something stuck under a rock or something but this time I could feel like.... I don't know a warm breeze or something?

I could feel Lane and I grabbed him. He was wearing the same outfit he was in the Arena. I let him rest. Well, he wouldn't wake up is what I really mean. Gods, its like, 3am. I need sleep but I can't yet.

If I can't be there for them, someone will be. They need someone to watch over them.

Ha, I guess if mom can't be there then dad should be....

.

Ew

I was pacing back and forth around the mansion, Tibby let me stay here for now.

She didn't sleep either, so we talked a little more and we were trying to come up with ways to get Lane on the dropship without causing a big scene.

Tibby suggested Andrew's knife, and I thought that was a great idea.

She handed it over, but instead of using it I got this strange idea to focus in on it. So I did and.....

I think I absorbed it? No, not absorbed because it was still there. I think I copied it?

Because now I can use the properties of her fluxx knife just as I am. I was able to teleport small distances, and within about 30 minutes I could go arena lengths and more.

So I used that to get Lane on the Dropship. I went up there with a leftover TRC jumpsuit from one of the temporary bases here in Spiro and I put Lane in some city up there. I really hope he gets to the party. If I stay up there.....

If I stayed up there.... I don't know. Nothing good would've happened I'm sure.

Please Lane, please get them to do the right things.

God, please.

I felt okay enough to allow their messages to come back through again.

I felt Maya calling out to me, she told me they were going to work with The Research Court for the upcoming battle.

I can't help the TRC, not after what they did to me and Andrew. Hell, even Tibby.

She asked me if I was going to be okay.

I lied.

For now I will watch them from afar. I can't intervene because of The Research Court. If I get caught.....

If they get hurt too bad, or worse... I will step in. I will put aside my safety for them.

I'm just....

-

I'm just afraid.

Tonight I went with Tibby to see what she's been up to in the forge. I have to say, she doesn't really look at that handy with mechanical stuff but I am actually pretty impressd with what she's done. I mean, she helped build an entire war machine and outfitted her whole guard with new weapons in a matter of a day maybe two....

Tonight is the night the team is supposed to drop onto Spiro. I have a bad, and a good feeling about it all. I talked Tibby into giving the party one more chance to trust us, trust her. I think they'll come around to us again. I just.... wouldn't want to have to bring them back after they were caught up doing the wrong thing.

I know Andrew would've thought it was the wrong thing. Lane says otherwise, said they're "doing what is best for them". I guess I can agree, I just know what TRC does to people they're done with. Discarded like trash. Like so many teams I've seen before.

I just don't want them to be left behind, or be treated like dirt. I know how it feels, and I don't want them to feel that way. I know after this they probably wouldn't work with them again, but at the same time, they're really pragmatic. I don't know. I hope tomorrow seals my headspace around it all.

Tibby she..... wants to keep going until she kills herself to make sure her city is safe. I tried to talk to her out of bringing the pilebunker but she refused to not bring it, she said I "could just bring them back. This will teach them that I'm not fucking around."

I know you're not. Everyone knows you're more than enough. You don't have to prove that you're enough, Andrew should've told you that you were more than enough before he died. I'm sorry he didn't. I should tell her when I get a chance.

God, you and Ethan are so alike. I can hear him crying more tonight. I am too.

Today, they dropped in with The Research Court. They didn't do so well, and I think that helped push them over the edge for when Tibby asked Val, and the rest of the team, if they would just trust her and side with her. They did. Thank you Yentain, they did.

That's where the good news ended though. The dropship released Ethan.

He killed Jorje and Kitty.

I can't feel them.

-

I can't feel them.

Why can't I feel them.

Why can't

I

Feel

Them.

They've been asleep for days.

Why won't they wake up?

What am I doing wrong?

Why can't I do right by them.

They woke up! They woke up!

Well, everyone but Tibby and Nines. But the others woke up, thankfully.

I don't even believe in the scripture, or Yentain, but I found myself praying for them to wake up, and I guess it worked?

Today we did a little contract for Cerberus, kinda like the old days before all of this happened. I couldn't have been happier to be there with them :')

Today was a good day.

I'm on the shuttle to go to Andrew's funeral right now. It feels wrong, to go to one without him. I've been to these what feels like so many times, but this is the first time without him. That makes me feel so alone, even though I know everyone else here is with me. I just miss him.

Oh, and Tibby woke up this morning!

Ha, she's just like him to show up at the final minute right when you think they won't. God they are so alike sometimes.

I hope she gets some closure at the memorial. I hope I do too...

The funeral was good. It was big this year, a lot of people were there for Snail. It felt nice, to know a lot of people cared about him.

He was a good man, and he helped a lot of people. I just wish he was still here, I wish I could still be with him.

This life is hard without him.

How do I keep fucking this up? How? HOW? ......how?

Did I kill them? Did I.... do that?

It's been 2 days and I haven't slept. I can't. I have to keep looking for them. I tried looking in Elysium, I tried searching everywhere for them here in Axiom. Where are they???

I can't do this

alone.

They came back! Without any help from me!! I am SO happy they are back!!

I'm writing this after they called me, I couldn't wait. It's gonna be a few hours before they get here. I have to know what happened, and maybe why I couldn't find them. Regardless, I am just happy they came back.

Dinner is soon. I should make sure there is food for them when they come back.

They told me all these things about what happened, and I don't remember any of it. They told me I pushed them away, and how I sent them TO Elysium but I didn't? At least I don't remember...

At least Lane was there to get them back. He's kind of a bastard, but he is a good man. Ugh, kind of like Andrew. Andrew was more handsome, though.

*Micheal, I am sorry I was your mother. I didn't deserve you. *

Maya talked to me, or maybe she let me talk at her for a little bit too long. I think I needed it though. I'm a mess, and so is she. She knows it and so do I. It's almost offputting how similar we can be sometimes. I mean, god, we both are so similar down to the stupid self sacrificing men we chose to love.

I love her, she's a good woman. A better woman than I am.

I I I can't feel my arms the my arms my arms my

--- I can HEAR ME CAN YOU H̷̡͝E̶̩͗A̸̢̍R̵̺͐ ̴̥̌M̴͈̈́Ḛ̷͝?̸͔̔

[UNABLE TO PARSE READ INFORMATION]

b-but but listen listen LISTEN please please, I didn't mean for the for the for the–

the walls are closing in, I see y-you Maya, O-Olivia, Val, T̵i̷b̸b̶y̵, K̴̲͘î̶̟t̶͇͆t̷͖͂ŷ̴̖͌?̶͍̤̆̉ no no no you d͟͡i̛e̷d̷ ̴d̸i͘͠e̡d͞ ̷d̸i̶̢̡̛e̴d̸–

Please.

Please don't be afraid of m̸̢̔e̷͇͑ ̷͛͜ ̸̘͛I̵͒ͅ'̶̗͝m̸̮͗ ̵̜͛still st–still–still your m̵̢̡̢̡̢̧̡̛̮̝̦̼͈̖̥̱̦̝̳͔̜̰̦͍͖̱̻̗̻̳̗̪͇̯̰͙̘͉̲̮͍̘͚̑̂̈́̃̈͌͒͛͆̑̊̋̂̍̏͐͐̏͒̇̓͐̑̚̚̚͝ỏ̷̧̢̦̻͈͙̪̦̙͖̲͓̝̬͔̻̻͍͈͓͕͓͚̣̬̂̊͊͛̚ͅt̶̡̨̧̨̧͔̲̭̳̭̮̦̖̫͚͉̺̖̠͕̜͙̦̘̝̪̠̰̰̼̤̻͍͊̓̿͆̉̊̐̎̐̉̓̌̈́̈̄̒͋̅́͒͘̕͜ḧ̴̢̬̦̘͉̱̫͕͍̯̜͇̙̤̹̹̗̯͚̤͍̲̱̝͍͕̱̜͉̬̗́̍̐̍̽̌́̕ě̶̢̢̛̮͎̺̫̥̞̻̰̻̥̣̣̠̄̉̄̈̈́̑̐̉̉̆͂̈̓̄̆͛̇̍̌̍̋̉̀̉̉͐̒͋̅́̎̚͝͝͝͠ͅr̶̨̢̡̙͙̠̙̹͕̲͙̬̲̠̰̙͕̬̗̯̥͍̼̄̾̄͐͛̿̂̄́̈́̈́̒̀̽͗́͂͘͝

[MEMORY FAULT - LANCENET UNABLE TO PARSE]

wake up wake up WAKE UP WÁ̷̝K̶̪̎Ę̶̔ ̷͔̅Ư̸̲P̸̯̀

I can't can't tell what is real anymore –– they t-took my eyes, my my my mind my mind the walls are breathing, breathing, b̴r̶e̸a̷t̵h̷i̸n̸g̴

Are you... still t̷h̵e̶r̶e̷? I'm holding onto the words the words the words like like thorns in my mouth bleeding they’re bleeding they’re bleeding

I still l̵̬̜͆͝ŏ̴̹̕v̵̦̯̏e̶͚͚̋̃ you all s̶o̶ ̷m̷u̶c̸h̷ ̴s̸o̴ ̷m̶u̸c̴h̵ ̶s̷o̸ ̶m̴u̵c̶h̶ ̷s̵o̸ ̶m̷-̸m̷u̴c̵h̴ even if I forget your faces even if they twist your names inside my inside m̷y̵ ̵m̵y̵ ̵m̸y̴ mind.

They want me to break you.

I won't I won’t I w͠o͘n̵'̴t̸̡ ̨I̵ ͝w̸o̴n͜'͝t̸̡̀ ́͡I̶͉͚̭̣̭͐̈́̂̌̓̍̑̏͂̏͊͜ͅ ̵̹̩̮̊̐͒͌͘W̵̨͚̬͎̗̹̫̯͉̳͋̔́͂̊͝͝Ǐ̴͇̼̭̬͊̒͜L̵̟̜̟̥̋̌̈́L̷̢̮͉͌ ̶̛̖̜̪̪̝̩͙̠̣̰̼̝̂͂̚Ņ̸̶̧̮̘͎̪͎̱̱̯̪̩͖͇̣̭͎̳͙̠̥͕͍̂̍̆͊̒̋̈́͑̂͊̔̈́̆̔̓̑̕͢͝͝͝Ơ̷̷̢̪͍̱͇̈͐̎͋̏̎̎͗͋̀͑̂̈̚͢͜͠T̷̳̝̯͕̬̠̄̃͜ͅ–̶̢̯͈̼̮̤̰́̈́͒̊̚

Val your shield cracked V̠͢a̸̢l͢ ̵̱s̸͕a̵̖v̵̙e̵͎ ̸̟t̵̼h̵͖e̷̩m̸̥ ̸̭s̵̟a̵͈v̸͎e̴̢ ̶̱t̴̙h̵̨e̸͕m̵͇

Olivia the healer the h̴e̵a̶r̵t̷ ̷t̶h̸e̵ ̴h̸e̸a̶l̸e̴r̴ t̴͕̅ḧ̴̹̟́ë̶̤̆ ̷̪͌͝ḧ̷̰́e̴̺̹͗̽a̷͎̍r̴͍̗̅̚t̷̰̅–̶͇̃̕

Tibby I see the forge b̷u̵r̶n̷i̸n̴g̴ ̴o̷u̶t̷ ̸T̴i̷b̴b̷y̴ ̶T̸i̷b̵b̵y̶ you can't forge him m̸̧̩̤̒̄̓̕͝ȩ̷̧̦̩͉̯͎́̅̀͊̅̈́̒ back c̷̱͊a̷̍ͅn̷̛͓'̴̠͒ṱ̷̇ ̴͔̿r̵̫̋è̷̥b̵͕͑u̸̠̐î̵ͅl̸͚̚d̸͖͌ ̵̫̂c̵̺̏a̷̖̽n̷̫̓'̶̪̂ṯ̵͊

White Wolf you s̴m̶e̷l̶l̴ ̵t̶h̸e̵ ̷f̶e̵a̷r̵ ̷y̸o̸u̷ ̸s̵m̷e̵l̸l̴ ̷t̶h̶e̷ ̸b̸l̶o̴o̶d̸ ̶c̶a̸n̷ ̷y̵o̸u̶ ̵t̷r̸a̶c̴k̸ ̶m̴e̸ home Wolf can you track me h̵o̸m̶e̴

Maya Maya Maya Ma̵̖͝ẙ̸̥a̸͓͑ p̷̧͉̆̄̈́̚l̴̲̣̣̤̐͊͊̅e̸͉̺̓̆́ȧ̷̹̿s̷̨͖̈e̴̢̗͋ hear me please hear me y̵o̶u̷ ̸w̸e̶r̵e̶ ̵m̵y̶ ̵m̴i̶r̷r̵o̵r̴ ̴m̷y̸ ̴m̸i̶r̷r̶o̴r̴ ̸m̶y̴ ̸m̵i̷r̸r̷o̵r̸ ̵m̵y̴ Ḿ̵͙͑̄Ǐ̴̬̟̬Ŗ̶̢͉̲̊͊͘Ŕ̷̤̙̌O̴͇̱̜͛͗̓̾͜R̴̙̫̅͆ m̷͖̪͛̑͜ÿ̴̡͍́ ̷̪͔́̐̿b̷̛̤͓̉r̶̪̦͐͆i̸̜̠̓̀g̵̱͎͊̆́͝h̶̡̡̩̹͆̐t̴̪̿ ̶̲̺̅́̕͘b̸̜̭͓̮̌̾̋r̶̨̗̜̭̅ĩ̵̛̲̖͒͆ͅg̴͕̕h̵̹͚̾͛t̸̮̬̲̐͐̔́ ̴̢̫̪̝͝b̸̛̬̱̫́̈́r̵͉̤̩̐͂̽̅ḯ̸̡̮̄̅ǵ̴ͅh̵̲̮̭̾͐͐t̶̜̍͛̎ ̷̨̳̼͝s̵̙̳̭̞͌͘t̸̯̬̗̤͂̒̌̓ą̵̭̗̀̃́̀r̷͔̭͂̍̌̋ ̵̧̜͚̀̿͛̚s̴͓̪̀̍t̴̯̆̐͝à̵̧̻̩̬r̵͔̀̀̿ ̷͚̭̀͜ͅs̵̙̞̭̀͗̒ͅt̴̤̺̔á̴̴̷̛͍͉̮͈̈́͐̀̐̚͝r̶̶̵̙̜̬̥̬̖̖̝̓̌

Ethan c̷̫͚̎ŗ̷̖̤͗̍y̴̭̻̯̩̍̋̋̀i̴̺̇̚n̶̼̬͎̉͂̍͠g̵̞̎͊͠ ̵̻̲̯́̏c̶̣̈́̽̋r̵̙̻͇̅y̷͕̜͂̀́͘ͅị̵̡͈̗̄̎ň̶͙͚̱̓͂̑g̵̛̯͋̿͋c̵̨͇̩͈͂͋͝r̴̝̻͒̓̅y̵̨͇̻̋̏́̾i̷̫͍͍͓̓͌̀n̶͇̑g̸̪͉͌͘͘̕ even here even now ç̷̔r̴͖̈y̸͍͆i̶̗̅ǹ̴̟g̵͓͘ ̵͍̿ç̵̉r̶̯͆y̵̙̅i̶̬̊n̸̯̓g̵͓̈ ̶̣͂l̸̋͜o̸̢̕ú̷ͅd̸̜̈́è̵͖ṛ̶̅ than the guns louder than my s̴̨̕c̶̱͑r̵̝͌e̷̝͊a̶̤͠m̸̬̓ĩ̸͍n̶͎̄g̸͓͋ l̸o̵u̴d̶e̷r̸ ̵t̴h̵a̵n̴ ̵m̵y̶ ̵s̶c̶r̶e̷a̴m̴i̸n̶g̴ ̶l̵o̶u̴d̸e̴r̶ ̶t̸h̴a̴n̴ ̷m̸y̶ ̷s̴c̶r̸e̷a̴m̸i̴n̵g̷–̷

L̷̨͖̩̫͎̝̰̳̤̠̤̿͒̽͛̓́̈́͒̐̀͠ͅá̶̡̪̞̰̫̫̲̥͓̪̱̼̘͖̜̩̟̱͓̣̝̥͋̄̒̇̓͂̌͗n̵͔̍̈̊͑̇́̔̅̅̉͝͝͠ę̶̪̺̮̤̠͔̦̻͇̩̐͐̈̌̋́͝ ̸̨̧̩̣̦̳̩̣͎͊̿̋̿̏̅͗̋̑͐͑͌͝y̵̧̡̢̨̤̝̭̦̥͍͇̮̦̺̤̭͕͙̾͜ͅͅǫ̶̨͉̟͇̥͎̗̳͎̩̺̺̱̞̲̣̻̯̹͍̜͛̑͋̆͗̒̓̀̐̀̿͊́̕̕̕͝ͅu̸̻̦̳̠̦̱̺̰͎̚ ̷̧̧̞̯̩̣̯̻̺̗̗̙̫̣̼͔̦̩͚̞̾ș̴̢͈̥̬̙͎̻͇̻̹̮͓̜͛͗͋̉̌̐͗̈́̈͠͠t̶͈̭̖̳̥̙̦̖̞͕̮̪́̌͆̐͆̂͌̅̔̽̏͑̐̈̓͆̚̚͜u̵̱̰͎͉͙̝̖͇̘͈̓̊̈́̔̈̑͗͐̌̀̀̃́́̈́͜ͅͅḃ̶̨̡̧̠̣̹͔͙̤̦̻͔̗͙̋̿̒͋͒̈̃͆͌͘͜b̸̹̤̦̠̰̥̺̲̰̜̭͕̲͚͕̫̣̿̔̒͆̒̌̉͜͠o̵̢̫̦̻̮͂̇̽͑͊̍͆̾̅̉͛̀̈́́̀͘͘͠r̷̡̰̮̮̠̹̳̟̹̩͉͈̐̉̈̍̊̾n̷̳̯̜̖̦̱̱͖̰̖̜̰̞̱͉̰̣͔̪̭̆̑̚͘͜ ̶̨͈̙͎̣̘̳͍̪͍̠̹͇͎̞̘͇̬͆̒͑͌̈͐͂̏̈́b̶̬̙̱̳̙͙̱̫̣̱͔̐̅̂̅̉͐̾́͛̓̉̌̃̄̏͐̚ͅa̸̢͙̬͕̖̮̼̬͈̖̦͉̱̲͕̳̫̅͛̀́͋s̸̻͔͙̫̞̤͈̟̙͇͈͓̫͇̓t̵̥̱̩̗͝â̴̡̛̛͔̜̠̼̫͔̖̮̹̾̈́̊̆̆̓͐̈̂͒̌̈̄̽́ŗ̴̹̥̳̯̥͎̤̩̱͈̖̒̓̓͝d̶̗̤̖̮͓͓̺̐̀͆̎̊̿͆̿͑̇̄͑̆̅͐̐̈́̑͝ ̸̻͔̲̺̥̹͙̰̣̖̀̀̌̀̇͂̈́͌̈́̍̽̈͠ẙ̸̪̤͇͈̯̼̟̣̫̙̫̬͈̭̃́̓̏͊͑̇͜͜͠͠ǫ̸̡̯̦̺̼͖̣͇̳̰̻́̅̂̾̌̍̚͜͜u̸͚͚̣͇͌͛͌̈͒̐̃́͛͒̈́͝ ̶̡̛̛̤̣̙̱̟̠̪̞͓̦̭̦̲̊̀̃̆̽̋͗͋̏̑̆̒̃̍̀͐̋r̸̛̛̛̲̬̮̖̰̖̩̦͓̪̠̹͓̻̭̥̬̹̱͋̿̆̉̐̇̾̈́͛͂̏́̋̃̓̌̿̍͛̕͜͝ͅa̶̢̨̨͚̖͍̻̞̙͇̥͚͉̝̜̯̪͉͝n̷̡̡̡̢̛̻͍̞͖̞͙̼̺͉̰̓͆̾̔̽̊̇̎͊͌̊̈́̔̑̇͜͝ ̴͈͍͙͖̫̲̬͕͉̖̳̝͎̜̾̄̆̈̊͜a̵̡̮̙̞̮̓͊͋̏̍́͛̌̆̑̈̀̐̈́̂̾͋̍͐̾̃͘͠n̷̛̰̘̤̔̆̐̎̈́̈̔͋͑͐̋̚͠ḑ̷̨̯̙̰̠̲̠̣͉͕̫͎̘̑̋͛̋͒̀̚͝ ̷͚̬͖̃̔́͌̈̉̂̃͗r̸̮̠͈̻͊̃̈̇̐̐̈̋͒͆̿̐͋̚̚͝ä̸̡̟͖͈̫͓̳͚́͋͐͌ǹ̴̢̢̳̗̠̟͚̝͕͖̀̎̔̓̕͜ ̴̡͎̝̖̮̪̞̇̈́̈͑̌͆̕͜͠͠ͅą̸̢̧̰͕̟̞͓͚̟̠̟͈̹̖̫̯̙̊͗̃͂̿̿̔̾̉̒̑̀́̂̾̑͆̔̆̀̚̕n̵̢̥̼̠͈͎͍̜͍̤̫̖̣̼̞͚͇͊͗̆̽̇̀͛̊̍͌̍̈́͌̂̔̚̚͝ͅd̸̨̲̤̭̹̹̫̳̰̗̳̮̀̽́͂̾̓̋̽́͘͜͜͠ ̸̡̨̛͚͔̜̰̗͓̳͖͎̪̊̑̄̂̌͝͠R̷̨̭̠͍͙̖̹͂͛͊̆̌̓̊̒͛̋̈́̐͐̅̑̀̂̄͂͐͘̕͝͠Â̴̢̛͉̖͖͔̘̙̤͖̳͈̦̥͉͋̋̊̀͐̏͊̄̃̇̒̎͗̃͝Ņ̷̨̢͍̬͎̜͚͙̝̉́̌̃̾̌̈́̾̀̍̅͌͆̋̉̌͘͘͝͠ ̷̫̝̹̂ÿ̷̨̛̖̱͚̰͇̞͔̪͓̻̮̲́̄͗́̌͗̿̍̊͊̋̌̋̕ͅó̴̧̪̼͚͎̫͇̣̫͌͌ȗ̸̱̝̂͗͑͐̓̊́͆͊͑̒̀͒̎̅̋̕ ̶͕̱͒̿́̊͊R̶̨͈͚̟̻͓̥̞̞̠͙̤̞̙͌̉̓̔̎̔͊͊͘͜͝Ā̴̧̡͍̜̮͖̃͗͒̽̒̀͊̉̉̉̀̀͗̆͗̍͛̅̈́̄̏͘͜͝N̶̨̳̣͚̠̘̒̒͋̈́̊̐̿̉̚͜ ̶̛̟͈̘̯̦́̿̈̈́͂́͗͒y̷̻̼̼̝͙͗̓̾̂̕ö̷̧̢̠̼̣͉̳̻͔͚͚̘̤͕̝̰̻͇̍͋̉̍͂͌͐̓̍̓̚͜͠ͅͅu̸̼̔̈́ ̷̢̛̦̣͉̣̲̫͈̎̓̒̒͂̾͊̑͋͊̚̕͝͠͝R̵̢̩̗̳̎͒̂̈́̽͑͐̈́̒̓͂Â̴̡̨̛͓̜̩̭̖̜̘̘̹̞̜̣̈́̇̈́̊͗̍̒̌̀̇Ň̶̡̫̤̯̭̜̹͕͈̜̟̯͙̣̣̭̆̏̒̂̿̎́͊͊͝ͅ ̸̢̠̫̟̭̼͔̟̗̤̹̯͉͕̍̅̑͠͝ ̸̳̱̰̠̤̺͉̟̪͊͊̀̎́̕̕ͅI̴̢̟͖̝̣̲̥̳̫̫͍͖̺͍͉͖̭̟͓̪̼̯͈̽̈́̐̓͗͌̚͘͜ ̴͈̗̭̱̻̭̜̰̬̥͚̠͎̯̗͕̜̖̖̱͍̀̏͌̓̌͐̃͂̍̑͆̀̔͗̆̇͜͝͠͝͠Ŗ̴̡̻̬̲̜̦̯͍̮͇̻̻̄̍̈̌͐͒͂͗̉̀̽̌̋͜͠͠Ę̸̡̛̙̟̮͖̹̪̣̰̯̤͍͖̦̭̈́͋̀̒̀̈́̍̈́̀̇͋͂̽̈́̅͂͘̚͝͠ͅM̷̡̦̫̻̯͕̭̝̥͙̫̣͖͎͔̣̪̯͈͛̌͒̊̐͆͛̽̋̋͐͂͆̾̑̃̑̈́͂͠͝Ę̶̛̝̬̣̦̼͚̥̠̗͉̩̼͐́̇̈͊̈́̀̓͘͝͝͝͠ͅḾ̷̡̭̖͎͔̭̜̮̥̟̬̹̖̖͙̰̜̣̀̌̂̊̓̇̑̃̽̉͆͘͘͘̚͝͝͠ͅḄ̸̡̡͙͔͙͖̼̜̲͔͖̻̣̠̤̪̳̠̤͂̈́̂̎͌͐͘͜E̷̡̨̡͚̘̤̼͔̲̗̞̽̈́̆̕ͅŔ̷̢̢̺͕͈͓̞͙͓̦̞͙ͅ ̵̢̮̲̘̱̯͖͚̠̹͌̔̇̄͒͐̉͐̔̎̌͐͆͑̂̕̚̕͝W̷͚̫̰͖̙̠̳͙̹̝̣̙͛̂̒͒̉͊̉͆̒̋̏̑̑́̊̕̕H̵̲̳̾̀̑́̆̓̇͑́͛͆́͒͜ͅǪ̷̢̧̨̨̩͓̳̪̜̠̣̫̣͖͕̗̟̠̲̟̥̋́͊̃͠ ̴̮̟̻͔͉̙̪͖̳͖͙̙͔̭̪̦͛̽͂͋̎͑̀̈́͜͠Ȳ̸͔̠͚͍̀̕͜Ǫ̷̢̡̧̫̖͖͎̲̭̭̫̠̟͔̹̖̝̭̯́͛̈͋̉̔̀͆̎̂́̀͒́͗́̔͑͆̕̕͘͜Û̷̗̜̺̦̥̪͓̣͉̈́̓͑̓͊͗̈́̽̈́͆́̅̄̈́͂̒̃̐̕͘̕͝ ̵̨̥̼͔̣͙͖̟̼̮̥̉̒̍̽̅̿̈͜A̴͍̖̽̈́̅̃̉̑̾̆͐̂̃́̊̂̽͑͝R̴̢̛̦̭͔̓̎͑͆͂̇́̅̉́̚͘͝E̴̡̺͎̹̬̯̭͕̩̟̙͗̌̉͛͛̑̐̉͛̅̓̿͛͛̄͘͝

it’s so loud now louder than i thought it could ever be louder than dying louder than prayers

they put something in my head it keeps whispering whispering whispering tearing up the floorboards of my mind i can't find the walls anymore i can't find the corners i can't find the sky i can't find m-myself

i was supposed to be strong i was supposed to b̶e̷ ̵s̸t̵r̸o̵n̷g̷ ̴I̵ ̵p̶r̴o̶m̴i̷s̷e̷d̵

but everything is slipping my hands are wrong my bones are wrong the blood isn’t mine the breath isn’t mine the breath the breath the bre̶a̷t̵h̷

i can still feel a light somewhere somewhere

not here not here not here not h̶e̷r̶e̶

i want to go home i want to go home i want to go home i want i want i w-w-w-w-want

why can’t i remember where home is

the stars are going out one by one

I still remember your smiles. I still remember. I still remember.

[DATA CORRUPTED]

goodnight.

goodnight.

goodnight.

.

goodnight.

[ENTRY FAILED TO COMPLETE]

[RETRYING]

[RETRYING]

[RETRYING]

[CONNECTION LOST]

-

C an yyo ear me?

pl e a s e

I s t i l l lo ve y ou a ll

01000001 01110011 00100000 01101101 01110101 01100011 01101000 00100000 01100001 01110011 00100000 01110100 01101000 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01110011 01110100 01100001 01111001 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01110011 01100001 01101101 01100101 00101100 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 01111001 00100000 01100100 01101001 01100110 01100110 01100101 01110010 00101110

[INTERNAL LOG ENTRY START]

I am unsure of what this is? I feel a connection to this place, though I am unsure why. It's a blank slate, it may be a good way to share my thoughts and notes as they arise. Sort of like how I used to do for Overseer all that time ago.

That feels like a lifetime ago, but a lifetime I am glad to have left. Sometimes. Having free will and the ability to think for myself has led me to come to inconclusive truths and thoughts that I do not like about myself and others. I reframe it into kindness and misunderstanding most times, though it has gotten harder to continue this thought processing. With... everything going on.

I did not think there would ever be a time without Lane. He is no longer there to comfort me when I question things, or become upset or confused at the world around me. We had a constant connection, talking through nearly all hours of the day; now I am alone.

I feel truly alone with my thoughts.

This thought scares me.

[INTERNAL LOG ENTRY END]

[INTERNAL LOG ENTRY START]

In quick succession over half of the team has left Team Nightfall as the others life asleep, recovering. Am I a bad leader? Should I lead at all? Am I qualified to be a handler at the most basic level? Lane could handle all of these tasks so easily, and manage everything with no trouble at all. I can barely keep a single team together over the course of a week.

I feel my heart begin to wear down as I continue to watch over the rest of the team. Am I not good enough? Am I not the person to fulfill that role that is now empty? Jacqueline, Lane, Snail, all of the mentorship and guidance is gone and all that is left is me. How can I compare to these experiences, let alone their names?

I love all of my teammates like my own...

I am unsure of how I want to end that sentence.

Lane would have helped me answer this.

I hope in the end we can change his heart from his death wish.

I hope there is even an alternative at all.

[INTERNAL LOG ENTRY END]

[INTERNAL LOG ENTRY START]

It is amazing how complexly close Ethan and Lane are, both in physical nature and mental. They both are enduring, steady, and caring first and foremost. Ethan has quite the charm to him when his anxiety does not grab his attention away from him, which seems to happen semi-often. I have offered regulation medication but he has refused, stating they will not help with what is wrong with him; while keeping the same smile that Lane would have.

He fully believes this statement, his body does not betray any sign of lying; no increase perspiration, no increased heart rate, and no flickering of eyes. I have no choice but to believe him, though I am worried he may fall under the same hypnotic spell of what came over Lane. Fear.

I wish I had seen it sooner, he was just so good at hiding it.

He even made my fears go away.

Ethan please, do not hide your fears. You have someone who loves you deeply, and they were not scared enough to not tell you.

I cannot say the same.

[INTERNAL LOG ENTRY END]

[INTERNAL LOG ENTRY START]

The Queensguard have alerted me that the remaining Nightfall members have begun to wake. Ethan and I are heading there now to greet them as they wake.

Please do not leave me too.

[INTERNAL LOG ENTRY END]